


I Know You Have Doubts, but for God's Sake Don't Shut Me Out

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 07:56:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6846058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She turned to look at him, always loving the look on his face fresh from sleep.  He wasnt man-eating Toby Ziegler then...she had a bit of a glimpse of the worrisome fourth grader in the Brooklyn Heights house.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Know You Have Doubts, but for God's Sake Don't Shut Me Out

**Author's Note:**

> Let me just tell you, Toby and Nora could bring the angst with the best of them. Geezus.

** TUESDAY, JULY 9, 2008 **

“Seriously.” Nora said, eating broccoli with chopsticks. “This campaign financing thing is just another way for Claypool to drag Toby and Josh in front of hot lights.”

“His time is running out.” CJ replied. “Someone soon is really going to kick his ass.”

Nora smiled.

“I just want to be there. Toby’s temper has been on a hair trigger lately; we’re just getting out of his way around the house.”

“Nora!”

She heard the voice of her assistant before she saw him. He came rushing into the Second Lady’s office with very little care.

“What’s the matter Joel?” Nora asked.

“Josh just called. Toby had a heart attack...they’re taking him to GW.”

Nora dropped her soda all over the rug. CJ stood from her chair.

“What happened?” the Second Lady demanded.

“I don’t know. Josh did not give a lot of details.”

“Bill!” CJ exclaimed.

The agent came into the room.

“Yes Mrs. McGarry.”

“We have to go to GW now!”

“CJ?” Nora looked at her, her hazel eyes helpless.

“Come on sweetie, stand up. Come on.”

CJ helped her from the couch and they walked out the door with Bill on their heels.

“Tattoo and Flamingo are going to GW. We need the car.”

Sylvie, Lucy, and Mac fell into line with the Second Lady and her Chief of Staff. Donna came running over to the scene. Nora reached out for her hand.

“I also have Madison.” Bill said into his earpiece.

“Hogan? Please tell the Vice-President and Charlie what’s happened.”

“You got it.”

Hogan ran to the West Wing.

“Oh God.” Nora mumbled. “Oh God, what if...”

“Don’t you dare go there.” Donna replied.

They were shuffled out of the building and into a waiting SUV. Once inside, Nora laid her head on CJ’s shoulder and balled.

“Let it out.” CJ said. “He is going to be alright Nora. You know we would feel it. We would feel it if he left us.”

She looked over Nora at Donna. The younger woman nodded.

“We have three babies CJ.” She sobbed.

“I know, and Toby is going to be there to help you raise them. He would fight the devil himself to stay with you Nora.”

That did not move Nora, and she still sobbed as they pulled into the entry for GW. The Secret Service called ahead; there were very few people in the waiting area. Donna went to speak to the attending nurse when Josh came running down the hall. Nora rushed to him.

“Tell me something!” she exclaimed.

“He’s going to be OK. Fourth floor.”

They went to the elevator and up to the floor. Nora stood outside the door for a moment, not sure what ‘he’s going to be OK’ looked like. She did not want to see her husband covered in tubes and surrounded by beeping machines. She took a deep breath and walked into the room. There were tubes and a few machines, but he looked like his normal self.

“Toby?”

He opened his eyes and looked at her.

“Hey sugar.”

Nora sat on the bed and burst into tears. Toby reached for her hand, tears falling from his eyes.

“I'm sorry.” He whispered.

“What? This was not your fault sweetheart. I'm so glad you're not...I imagined...”

Nora broke down again and Toby squeezed her hand. She wanted to lean against him, feel his bear-like embrace; get lost in him. But she was afraid to touch him. The doctor came in and Nora wiped her face. She put on a smile as she stood and shook her hand.

“I'm Dr. Mills.” She had a slight Middle Eastern accent.

“Nora Ziegler.”

“Hello Mrs. Ziegler. Your husband had a mild heart attack. We took an echogram and it was clear. We are going to wait 24 hours before doing the ink test, which will check for clogged arteries. We are also going to do a cardiogram then and check to see if there is any damage to the walls or the valve of his heart.”

“Can you tell us what happened?” Nora asked, sitting on the bed again.

Toby took a firm hold on her hand.

“Mr. Ziegler, your blood pressure and pulse were really high when you came in this afternoon. Are you a smoker sir?”

“Just cigars, but I have cut them down significantly in recent years.” Toby replied.

“What about diet and exercise?”

“He eats garbage.” Nora said.

“Hey, that’s...”

Nora glared at him and he shut his mouth.

“I need you to cut out red meat completely, at least for the time being. Fast food is also out. Stick with chicken and fish, and add leafy green vegetables and fruits in abundance.”

“Sounds delicious.” Toby muttered.

“We are also going to work on your sugar and fat intake. Mr. Ziegler you will need to cut your caffeine intake at least by half and lose about 15 pounds.”

“Why don’t you just ask me to scale K2?” Toby asked.

“Shut up.” Nora snapped. “You could be on a slab right now...cut the comedy routine.”

Toby closed his eyes as Nora focused again on the doctor.

“What about stress Dr. Mills? This man thrives on stress...it is his oxygen.”

“Actually, it is more like a bomb strapped to his chest. You are about to indulge in a three week vacation Mr. Ziegler.”

He opened his eyes wide, but already knew they would ignore his protests.

“No work, no stress, and at least 8 hours of sleep a night. After one week, make sure you get up and move around...maybe take a walk around the block. By the end of week two you should implement a light exercise routine. By the end of week three I want a song and dance number.”

“When can I go back to work?” Toby asked.

“I don’t see a problem with the first of August, as long as your symptoms have subsided and your health has not deteriorated in any form. When is the last time you saw a doctor? Had a full physical?”

“My physical to go to Vietnam.” He replied.

Nora looked at him. Christ that was 1973.

“Well, we have plenty of qualified doctors on staff here. I have scheduled you to see Dr. Grant two weeks from today. We want to look after you Mr. Ziegler, and for you to look after yourself. Once your body turns on you it is hard to bring it back.”

She left them alone after that. Nora stared at Toby’s hand while he stared at the ceiling.

“You have to do everything she says.” Nora said.

“Didn’t think I had much choice in the matter sugar.”

“A heart attack Toby. When I heard I just kept thinking of how I would tell the kids if something bad happened to you. They are too young to understand. Renny is still an infant Toby and she needs her daddy.”

Their youngest child, Karenna would be a year old on August 14th. Jules was three and Nicholas five. He would be starting kindergarten in September. Toby took a deep breath and rubbed Nora’s hand.

“CJ and Donna are outside with Josh. I am sure they all want to see you.”

“Yeah.”

“OK, I’ll go and get them.”

“Nora, are you angry at me?” Toby asked.

Nora shrugged. She had no idea how she felt right now. At first she wanted to make sure he was alive. After that, all the emotions overwhelmed and choked her. She left the room and after a few minutes, his friends came in. CJ could not help but to hug him close and it was not lost on Toby that she touched him in a way his wife would not. She must have kissed him five times.

“Sorry Josh, but they tell me I am going to live.”

“Damn.” Josh snapped his fingers. “What is the prognosis?”

“A three week vacation. Diet, exercise, and stress reduction...I may have to quit my job.”

“No more meetings with Claypool.” CJ said.

She settled herself beside him in the bed; Toby put his head on her shoulder.

“Where is Nora?” he asked.

“She wanted to call her family.” Donna replied. “Plus she said she needed to check on the kids.”

“Did she leave?” Toby asked.

“No, she is just going to call them. Are you really alright?” Donna asked.

“They want to poke me some more, but I don't feel like a twisted rag anymore. I feel fine.”

“It is the illusion of the drugs.” Josh said. “If you're lucky they will give you more before those wear off.”

When have I ever been lucky, Toby thought to himself.

“Charlie and Sam are on their way.” CJ said. “They want to make sure you are alright for themselves. Leo will come later in the evening.”

“I do not want the Vice-President of the United States shutting down GW because of me.”

“Shut up Tobus.”

Toby looked at Josh.

“You need to get back to the White House and talk to the President.” He said. “Take Donna with you.”

“OK. I will be back later.” Josh said.

“Yeah.”

“Feel better Toby.” Donna kissed his cheek and left with Josh.

“She’s...I don’t know.” Toby whispered when they left the room.

“What do you expect? Joel rushed into the room and told us you had a heart attack. I've been there and it is not fun. The first thing that runs through your head is sitting down with the kids and telling them that daddy is dead. The next thing is that the love of your life could be gone from this Earth.”

“But I'm here.”

“Yeah, and you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are never going to change. Now Nora will sit and wait for the big one. Leo hid his symptoms from me for almost six months. As crazy as it sounds, at least after the bypass I knew he would not drop dead on me.”

“You hardly touched him for a year. I'm not just talking about sex CJ.”

“I know. But now Nora is thinking about the next heart attack. This, for her, was a preview of the horrors to come.”

“I can change.” Toby replied. “I am going to.”

“You have to Tobus. This is so serious...that mild one was a warning. Please.”

“I am. I intend to obey my doctor. Still, I do not know how I feel about three weeks of confinement.”

“You need some rest.” She kissed his lips softly.

Nora came back into the room and CJ climbed off the bed.

“I am going back to the White House. Don’t worry about coming back today.”

“I will see you tomorrow morning.” Nora replied.

“Nora, you...”

“What? You expect me to sit here with him for the next few days. We will drive each other insane and at least we know that. Anyway, I will take time off next week to be with Toby when he comes home from the hospital. I’ll call you later.”

CJ nodded. She hugged her and blew Toby a kiss before leaving. Nora looked at her husband.

“C’mere Nora, and sit with me.”

Nora sat on the bed again. She turned over his hand in hers, tracing his lifeline with her finger.

“I saw the doctor outside...they want to keep you until Friday. Toby you have got to make some serious changes.”

He nodded.

“I know. Nora, I am going to be OK. You know that right?”

“I don’t know that, and neither do you. You could have clogged arteries; they haven’t performed all the tests. You might have to have angioplasty or some other surgery. We still don’t have a full hold on what is happening.”

“OK.”

She stood abruptly, saying she wanted to take a walk. Toby did not want to be alone but he was not sure how to say that.

“Will you be gone long?” he asked instead.

“Not too long. Get some rest.”

She leaned to kiss his forehead and left. Toby took a deep breath. He had seen this side of Nora before and whenever he did it never ended well.

***

“Hey baby, are you alright?”

Leo sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes. It was early in the morning; the clock on the nightstand said 2:19am. CJ sat on the couch across the room.

“Toby had a heart attack Leo.”

“Yeah.”

“This damn job is going to kill all of you.”

“He is going to be alright.” Leo said.

“God, it was like déjà vu. I was...my heart stopped Leo. I did not know if I could go through that again.” She laughed nervously. “Oh God, I must sound so selfish...this is Nora’s heartache. The look on her face; she looked as if all was lost. I wonder if I looked like that after Abbey called me. I don't think I looked in a mirror for days.”

“Come to bed Claudia Jean.”

“I don’t think I can sleep. You go back to sleep Leo. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Leo got out of bed and joined his wife on the couch.

“I am not going to sleep until you do. We can stay up and worry together.”

Leo put his arm around her and felt her shoulders relax. CJ sighed.

“I love you so much Leo. I am so glad I did not lose you that day. It was the scariest moment of my life.”

“For me too. I had these dreams, under the anesthesia all I was trying to do was get to you and I could not. We have to stop thinking about it.”

“How can I? Toby is lying in a hospital bed and Nora is all alone with the kids. She told me she is coming back to work tomorrow.”

“You worked too baby...she has to distract herself. Just be a friend to her, and to Toby. They both need their friends right now. With this kind of situation it always gets worse before it gets better.”

CJ nodded as Leo kissed her temple. She felt his body slacken against hers; he would be asleep any minute. She sat up some.

“Come on Mr. Vice-President. You should not be up at this hour.”

They went back to bed with their arms around each other.

***

“Hey.”

Nora walked into the room as Toby looked over his lunch. It was rosemary chicken and salad greens. There was a cup of tea on the tray but Nora could see it was cold. Toby drank water and CNN played on mute.

“Hey sugar.”

Toby sat up to kiss her. She bypassed his mouth for his forehead and sat in the chair beside the bed.

“Did you have the tests this morning? I wanted to be here but there were meetings I could not cancel.” She dropped her purse on the floor and crossed her legs.

“The ink test and the cardiogram are both clear. I may be able to leave tomorrow as long as my vitals remain stable.”

“Terrific. Are there going to be prescriptions?”

“Of course, at least for the next month. Blood pressure meds, nitroglycerin, possibly something to help me sleep more. I think they may send me home with candles, incense, and a book of ancient remedies.”

Nora smirked.

“I see your sense of humor is still intact. I will talk to Dr. Mills before I go back to the White House. I will not take you home until I am sure that everything is OK. How was lunch?”

“The chicken is rubbery, the greens watery, and the lo-cal dressing tastes like the inside of Nicky’s shoe.”

“That good huh? Toby, you have to make changes and you cannot expect them to be easy.”

“I know.”

“Well, I am not going to Atlanta with the Second Lady next week and Lauren and Ron have agreed to take the boys for a little while.”

“I don’t want to be away from the kids Nora.” He replied.

“It is for the best while you are trying to recuperate. You do not need that noise. It would drive you bananas. The doctor said you need to relax and you are going to do just that. We are going to keep Karenna though; she is having real separation anxiety issues right now. The boys are itching to get to New England, they love it there.”

Toby nodded. He knew the nurse would be in soon to take his vitals, and maybe another vial of blood. He was tired of being poked and prodded.

“You look tired speechwriter.” Nora said.

“I am.” He pushed most of lunch aside. “I also want to get the hell out of here because the confinement is driving me crazy. I feel the walls closing in.”

Toby was a notorious claustrophobic. It did not matter what the size of the space was, it was all about his perception.

“What's the matter Nora?”

“Dumb question.”

“Yeah, answer it anyway.”

She did not say anything, just read Wolf Blitzer’s closed-captioned commentary.

“I am going to be fine.” He said.

“Yeah, I know. I will just feel a lot better when you are at home and not here.”

“I thought you were mad at me.”

“I am mad, but I don’t think it is at you.”

“Is this worth being angry?” Toby asked.

“Don’t tell me it is not worth being angry about.” She snapped

“Whoa, whoa.” Toby held up his hands. “Sick man that does not want to fight.”

“Neither do I Toby; I'm sorry. I should get back and you need a nap.”

“Don’t leave.”

Toby reached out for her hand and Nora tried to smile.

“You really want me to sit here and watch you sleep?” she asked.

“Yeah. I did not like sleeping apart last night. You know I never like sleeping apart.”

The nurse came in and took his vitals.

“Very good Mr. Ziegler. You should expect the doctor in a half hour or so.”

“I'm going to take a nap.” He replied.

She left and he focused again on his wife.

“Will you stay?” he asked.

“Yeah OK. Close your eyes Toby.”

“I feel like you are going to sneak out after I fall asleep.”

“That’s ridiculous. I am not going anywhere, I promise.”

“Give me a kiss Nora.”

She leaned and kissed his lips. She stroked his beard.

“I love you Tobias.”

“I love you too. More than anything.”

She nodded and Toby closed his eyes.

***

“No, he’s sleeping right now.”

“Is he alright?” CJ asked.

Nora paced outside of GW, smoking a cigarette. She wanted to finish it quickly; did not want Toby to wake up and be alone.

“I think so. Dr. Mills came in but she did not disturb him. I think they are going to release him tomorrow.”

“That is good news.”

“Yeah.”

“How is his attitude?”

“Toby...confinement...guess.”

“Yeah. How are you Nora?”

“Fine.”

She was lying and CJ knew it. There was no way she was going to call her on it. Nora was a bundle of emotions and she needed to get it all out before she was even sure of how she felt. CJ would be ready to listen when the time came.

“I just want him home with me. I am sending the boys to my sister for a couple of weeks so he can rest. I have no idea how I am going to get him to do that.”

She went into the hospital, getting onto the elevator.

“Force him if you have to Nora. Do not let him take control of this situation.”

“I know.” She looked inside the room and saw he was still asleep. Good. “CJ, I swear to God I will strap him to the bed if I have to. He is not eating enough either.”

“Leo did not have much of an appetite for a couple of weeks after his heart attack.”

“How did you...?” Nora sighed. “I was there; I remember but...”

“I don’t know.” CJ replied. “This strength comes from somewhere inside you. Bringing him back was all that mattered to me. You just need to take a deep breath. He is going to be OK, and you have to remember that he is probably scared too.”

“OK. I have to go.”

“Yeah. Call me if you need to.”

“Yeah. Bye.”

Nora hung up the phone and went back into the room. She always loved to watch Toby sleep...he never looked more peaceful. Early in their relationship, his sleep had been restless, fitful. The more comfortable he became with Nora, the easier it was to let his guard down. That included sleeping. She put her purse on the windowsill, slipping her cell phone inside. It was a beautiful day in the nation’s capital...this was the perfect day for a walk.

God, a walk. She had no idea when life became so congested. When was the last time she took off her shoes and walked in the park? When she could drive down to Baltimore or Annapolis and walk the harbors in happy oblivion? When was the last time she slept in, watched all two hours of Good Morning America, and surrendered to Toby’s touch? Maybe he was not the only one who needed to put on the breaks and reevaluate.

“Nora?”

She turned to look at him, always loving the look on his face fresh from sleep. He was not man-eating Toby Ziegler then...she had a bit of a glimpse at the worrisome fourth grader in the Brooklyn Heights house.

“Did you sleep alright?” she asked, sitting back in the chair. “Do you feel alright?”

“I really thought I would wake up and you were not going to be here.” He replied.

“Toby...”

“I don’t know what’s the matter with me.”

“You had a heart attack. Things just got very real.” She took his hand and kissed it.

When the tears came, again Nora did not try to pretend they were not there. She did not know why she was crying again, she thought it had all been purged from her as she slept alone last night.

“I'm sorry sugar.” Toby said, choking up.

***

Toby had been home for three days when Nora found him in the study. He was lugging a heavy box and Nora shouted.

“Put that box down!”

Toby looked at her, stumbled a bit, and the box fell on the floor. Books and papers scattered all over the floor. Toby hardly muttered his expletives.

“What the hell are you doing! You just had a heart attack!”

“I was looking for...”

“You should not be looking for anything! When I left you were resting...”

“I could not lie down another minute.” He bent to pick up a book.

“Dammit Toby!” Nora ran her fingers through her hair. He heard the tears in her voice. Please, please just go and rest. I will clean this mess. I am not going to argue with you on this subject. If you do not listen to me, I will have you readmitted into the hospital. Because there are people who care if you live or die.”

Toby sighed, walking to the door. He put his hand on her shoulder and Nora recoiled.

“Don’t touch me.” She snapped. “Go to bed.”

He sighed louder but left the room. Nora stared at the mess on the floor before noticing another box on the desk. He must have dragged that one down before she came in. What was she going to do with him? Every meal turned into a bickering match; he did not want to take naps or his sleeping pills at night; and now he was under the impression that heavy lifting was alright. Was he trying to kill himself?

Did he understand that this was serious? The doctors called it mild, but a heart attack was a heart attack. She took a deep breath and crouched down to pick up everything. That was it; she was going back to the White House tomorrow. If he wanted to kill himself, she was not going to be there to watch.

***

“Hey Tobus!”

CJ walked into the house in the old Georgetown neighborhood and kissed her best friend’s lips. Toby smiled slightly. He also acknowledged the six Secret Service agents that strategically placed themselves outside his house.

“I didn’t know it would be a party.” He said.

“Only Bill is coming in.” CJ replied as she followed him into the living room and Bill remained vigilant by the front door. “When you are dressed like that it is hard to remember why I did not marry you.”

Toby wore sweats, a CCNY tee shirt, and was barefoot.

“Because you did not want to embarrass your father and smear the Cregg name when you were indicted on murder charges. What did you bring me?”

“Lunch. I figured you were probably in here trying to chew off the restraints and could use the company.”

CJ put the cartons of Chinese food on the coffee table as they sat on the couch. CNN played on low volume on the big television; C-Span on the smaller set. Toby looked at CJ as if she had two heads when she handed him a diet Vanilla Coke.

“Just drink it...you will get used to the aspartame after a while. Its Leo’s favorite and you know what a soda junkie he was. I also brought chicken with broccoli and brown rice.” She handed him chopsticks. “Eat before it gets cold.”

Toby opened the food, examining it.

“There is no gravy on this.” He said.

“You're kidding me right? Gravy is no longer a part of your diet.”

“I can't take this.” He muttered.

“How did it feel to have a heart attack Toby?” CJ asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Leo said it felt as if a car fell on him and he could not get up. He said it was painful and surreal at the same time. He said all he thought of was me...different pictures going through his mind like a slide show. Was it like that for you too?”

“I did think of you, yes.”

“Toby...I'm being serious.”

“So am I. I thought about you, and Nora, and my mother. Patsy Cline played and I remembered the first Hanukkah with my father. I thought of holding Josh in my arms as he died and I wondered if he was holding me as I did the same. I thought of breaking the glass when Nora and I married, and the first night I made love to you. It seems crazy now because it really all lasted about 15 minutes or so.”

“Did it hurt?”

Toby shook his head, he did not remember any significant pain. He just remembered Patsy Cline singing I Fall to Pieces. She was actually there; it was not a recorded voice. That was when he thought he might really be a goner.

“Nora’s...I don’t know how Nora is.” He said.

‘She is scared, angry, and helpless. None of it is truly your fault but it she will direct it at you anyway. Especially since you are the world’s lousiest patient. God, you are worse than Leo.”

“I hate when you always compare me to Leo, but I guess you are speaking from experience.”

“I would not if you two wouldn’t do the things you do. The thought of losing the man you love Toby; the father of your children...it is terrifying. For it to be real, right in front of your face. Mortality is the most frightening thing any of us will face. Now her mind has to come around to the fact that you are still here. It took a long time with Leo and I.”

“I am not Leo. He had a massive heart attack and double bypass surgery. We are lucky he is still with us. And he is fine now.”

“He is fine, but he also knows there are things he cannot and will not do. Like eat gravy, be sleep deprived, skip his exercise...”

“Have rigorous sexual relations?” Toby asked with a raised eyebrow.

CJ smiled, hitting his shoulder.

“Shut up. It is a lot of give and take; you know how we struggle sometimes. He is a stubborn and independent man. It is most of the reason I fell in love with him.”

“Do you think Nora will wait nearly a year to let me touch her?” Toby asked.

“I think you just had a heart attack a week ago and sex should be the last thing on your mind.”

“She won't even let me hold her when I sleep. She comes to bed when she knows I am already out. Moreover, sex will never be the last thing on my mind...not with Nora. Not ever.”

“Please give her time.” CJ replied.

She did not mind the Nora sex comment, but she knew it was payback for the comparisons to Leo.

“Is she talking to you at least? I don't want her to put on a brave front; going through her anguish alone.”

“Yeah, as much as she is willing to right now. I am not going to push her.”

“You know what?” he looked at her with that Toby half-smile. “This Coke is not the most disgusting thing I've ever had.” He said.

“I told you Tobus.”

***

Nora sat up in bed at 3:30am on Saturday night. Karenna had been crying an hour ago but she went to sleep quickly after a diaper change and being held. Toby did not seem to hear the baby cry and his wife was glad of that. He actually rested that afternoon...no CNN, no books, no writing. She let him sit out on the deck and have his lunch; Toby sat there for almost two hours. Then he took a bath and a nap. He spent the evening listening to old jazz albums and Eric Clapton while relaxing on the couch. Nora had not seen him so relaxed since they met. It seemed that maybe he was finally making his confinement work for him instead of against him. Next week she would let him venture outdoors for a bit.

Now he slept soundly and Nora was wide awake. The baby would be down until at least six and she had checked Toby’s heartbeat, so Nora put on her IPod. Mindy McCready played now and she lost herself in the lyrics of Maybe He’ll Notice Her Now. Toby tried to kiss her earlier that evening and Nora nearly jumped across the room. She did not know why, but she felt that was the last thing they needed right now. The other night when she could not sleep, she noticed Toby stroking his erection in his sleep. Had he always done that or was this something new? He moaned her name softly in his dreams and Nora actually left the room. She slept very uncomfortably in the den. What was happening to her?

“Sugar what are you doing?”

She did not hear him at first, having immersed herself in the song. When he touched her, Nora jumped. She took off one of the earphones and looked at him.

“Why are you awake?” she asked. “Are you feeling alright?”

“I was about to ask you that. What are you doing?”

“Are you alright Toby?”

“Stop it Nora. I am asking you questions and I want an answer.”

“I'm listening to music. I'm fine...please go back to sleep.”

“I've had enough rest. You are not alright and I am concerned.”

“Enough rest at quarter to four, that is ridiculous. I will go in the other room so you can sleep. I'm sorry.”

“What the hell are you apologizing for? Nora, I can't believe...”

Nora pushed the sheet aside and got out of the bed. Toby was dumbfounded; she was actually going to leave.

“Nora, don’t...”

“Go back to sleep Toby. I will leave you alone.”

Toby growled, covering his face with her pillow.

“I don't want to be alone!” he screamed into it.

***

“I just came in for an hour or so. There are plenty of things to be done before the Atlanta trip.”

Donna stood in Nora’s doorway. She came in and closed the door.

“Everything is under control here, and you know it. What's the matter?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Nora replied. She refused to look up from the binder she was writing in. “Do you see this work piling up around me?”

“Stop it and look at me Nora.” Donna’s voice was firm.

“Donna, I know you have a lot of work to do. You have been carrying me for a week and a half. I just want to get some of this done. This is definitely the wrong time of the year to get behind. Budget is going to come up soon.”

“Please.” Donna waved away everything she said. “We carry each other around here; and budget is not until December. That is why I want you to stop moving like a Stepford wife and look at me.”

“Do you think I should move CJ’s speech to the League of Women Voters back some? I think it would be more effective in the fall.”

“Nora...”

“What do you want from me Donna!” she finally exploded, looking at her.

Her chest rose and fell as her deputy examined her...an expert in the cracks of expensive china.

“I want you to stop and take a breath.” She replied.

“I can't. I need to busy myself more than anything. Hell, I would go to Atlanta if I could.”

“Where is Toby?”

“What do you mean? When I left him home this morning he was making breakfast.”

“Have you talked to him?” Donna asked.

“About...?”

“Everything. It is going to burst soon, and when it does you are not going to be able to hold it back. How long have I known you? You are going to lash out at him, and he will return the favor. If you recall we have been here before.”

“Everything is fine.” Nora lied. “Toby is recuperating nicely; I don’t need to sit under him. It is not a vacation.”

“I thought you would use this as a chance to spend time together. Certainly it should have been under better circumstances, but it just wasn’t.”

The Chief of Staff sighed.

“I know, and I really appreciate what you are doing and trying to say Donna. If I don’t get some of this work done I'm never going to get back to him. So, would you excuse me?”

Donna finally relented.

“OK. I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah. I’ll poke my head in before I head home.”

“Don't stay too long.” She added for good measure.

Nora managed a smile.

“Got it. bye.”

“Bye.”

Donna left and Nora went back to her work. Her cell phone beeped and she looked at the message from her husband.

‘Where are you Nora? I am going to take a little walk around the block. If you get this, please bring home some diet Vanilla Coke. Come home soon.’

She sighed, dropping the phone back in her purse.

***

“I brought you something.”

Toby came into the bathroom with a tray as Nora relaxed in the tub. The lights were off and scented candles illuminated the room. A Tribe Called Quest played quietly on the Bose.

“What did you bring me?” she sat up some and took the cloth from over her eyes.

“This music is relaxing?” Toby asked.

“Of course. Can I Kick It; Vivrant Thing; Bonita Applebum...those are classics Toby.”

“Um, OK. Well, I brought you champagne, fruit and whipped cream. Before you ask, the whipped cream has one gram of sugar, no carbs, and no fat.”

“I was not going to ask.” Nora said.

“Mmm hmm.”

Toby put the tray on the sink, ran a slice of pineapple through the cream and fed it to his wife. He bit the other end and Nora pulled away.

“Thank you honey.”

“I thought you might be hungry. You seemed distracted.”

“No.” Nora shook her head. “I just needed a little time for myself. Bring that fruit down here.”

Toby put the tray on the floor beside the tub and felt there was not enough space for him in the room. He took a deep breath.

“Well, let me leave you to your relaxation.”

“OK honey. Thank you for the fruit.”

“Don’t stay in here Nora too long...you’ll shrivel up like a prune.”

Nora smiled, leaning back and putting the cloth over her eyes again. Nothing surprised her more than feeling Toby’s lips on hers. Her body stiffened and her attempt to recover was abysmal.

“I love you Nora.” He said, their lips still touching.

“I...I love you too speechwriter.”

“OK.”

He pulled back and left the bathroom. Nora closed her eyes and did not try to stop the damn tears.

***

“Hi.”

Nora came out on the deck with another glass of Cristal. She sat in the chair beside her husband and lit a Marlboro Ultra Light. It had just gotten dark, Toby lit the tiki torch candles to keep the insects at bay.

“The bath was good?” he asked.

He had a legal pad sitting in front of him; a Shel Silverstein book open beside it; and a pen resting between his teeth. Billy Joel sang A Matter of Trust on XM radio.

“It felt nice. Are you writing?”

“Not really. Where The Sidewalks Ends used to provide much more inspiration.”

Nora smiled. She took a deep breath, let it out, and took a deep inhale of her cigarette.

“It is a lovely night.” She said.

“Mmm hmm.”

Toby could not help looking at her out of the corner of his eye. She wore the green bathrobe that brought out her eyes. His mind began to wander when he noticed it open a bit and he could see the swell of her breasts. He wondered what, if anything, she was wearing underneath. Toby bit down on his lip...he could not ask. He would not be able to handle the answer. Sexy lingerie, granny panties, nothing at all, it was all a turn-on for him. Oh God, Toby thought, don’t do that! He shifted his weight in the chair. Dammit! Finally, he stood and walked over to the railing. He tried, unsuccessfully, to clear his throat.

“Is the smoke bothering you?” Nora asked, sipping her champagne.

“Hmm? No, I um, I just want to stretch my legs. I have been sitting for too long. It really is a lovely night.”

“Yeah.”

Nora put out her cigarette. Toby’s body calmed enough for him to sit again. His wife’s hand rested on the table top and Toby put his hand over hers. Nora snatched her hand away as if she had been burned.

“What the hell is your problem!” Toby exclaimed.

Nora looked at him with wide eyes. Tears were forming quickly.

“How could you say that to me? Don’t speak to me in that tone Toby.”

“I can't even touch you anymore Nora! You cringe when I fucking touch you! You won't sleep with me, lay with me, kiss me...I am not fucking dead! I am right here in front of you.”

Nora stood up, backing up toward the door.

“I am not talking about this. We cannot...”

“Don’t walk away from me! Fucking talk to me!”

Toby took hold of her shoulder as she tried to go into the house.

“No Toby.” She sobbed. “No, let me go. No, STOP!”

Toby let her go. He was breathing hard and he knew his heart was beating much faster than it should be. Nora looked terrified.

“Nora, please.”

“You son of a bitch! You stupid son of a bitch! Do you even know what the past couple of weeks have been like for me? And all you are thinking about is your dick!”

“What are you talking about? This is about more than that. You won't even look at me.”

“I...” the tears were overwhelming her now and Nora struggled to catch her breath. “Toby, you could’ve died...I thought you were dead for just a moment. You were dead and I was alone. I would never see you again.”

“I'm here!” he shouted. “Look at me!”

“I can't deal with this. I won't.”

“If you walk away from me, don’t you ever come back.” He said.

“Toby?”

She reached for him and he backed off.

“Fuck it Nora, just fuck it. You don’t want to talk so we won't talk. Obviously you don’t give a damn how I feel about anything.”

“That’s not true!” she shouted. “All I care about it you, you dummy! Fuck you, fuck you to hell!”

Nora stormed into the house and Toby kicked over the chair. Then he grabbed the boombox and slammed it to the ground.

“Goddammit!”

***

The next morning Nora stepped out of the shower and screamed. She rushed to cover her nudity as her husband averted his gaze.

“What the hell are you doing in here? You scared me.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Well I have to get ready for work.”

She brushed past him and Toby had to clench his fists and his jaw to keep from grabbing her. Nora did not like to be grabbed in anger, did any woman? In his restless sleep last night, Toby could not get her sobbing out of his mind. She had to say no three times and finally scream stop before he let her go. He never wanted to do that again.

“We have to talk.” He said, coming into the bedroom.

“I have to get Karenna up and ready to go...I don’t have time for more of your bullshit Toby.”

“My bullshit! You...” Toby stopped. No, he was going to try his damndest to keep his temper in check. If he did not it would screw everything up like it did last night. He had to come at this from a different angle. Toby took a deep breath. “You don’t have to get Karenna up; I want her to stay with me today. I could use the company.”

“You have no idea how to look after an infant for eight hours Toby.” Nora replied.

“Don't tell me that I cannot look after my own child. I am not incompetent Nora; I've raised two other children.”

Nora laughed, and it was bitter.

“You call raising Nicky and Julie kissing them hours after they fall asleep and the occasional piggy back ride? Please.”

“Are you trying to tell me that I am not a good father? Look at me Nora, is that what you're saying. Insult me to my face!”

“Toby please, I do not want to fight with you. I have to go to work. If you want to keep Renny, fine. Her feeding schedule is on the freezer. Have a blast...call me if you need anything.”

“What I need is for you to listen to me, just for five minutes.”

Nora brushed past him again, this time to go to the closet for a suit.

“Please sugar.” He hardly whispered it.

Nora stopped, her hand still on the closet knob. He sounded so fragile, almost frightened. How much longer were they going to do this?

“If I lose you I don’t know if I could go on.” She said.

“We have been here before.” He replied. “After your accident Nora, I thought it was over. I had no idea how I was supposed to go on...raise Nicky alone. Never...” he choked on the words. “Never hold you in my arms again. The pain of a heart attack has nothing on not being able to be close to you.”

“I've never been more afraid in my life than when I heard those words. ‘Toby had a heart attack.’ It was like being kicked in the stomach repeatedly. I felt like I was dying.”

Toby moved closer to her.

“I am going to be alright. I swear it Nora. I will visit my cardiologist, exercise, never even look at gravy again. CJ even got me to like Diet Vanilla Coke...really its good. But I need you. I can't do this if I don’t have you. You can't run from me; shut down on me.”

“I'm scared!” she exclaimed.

“I know sugar, I know. I'm scared too.”

Toby closed in, finally embracing her. Nora’s body collapsed against him...she was so tired. They both were crying, lost in the moment. Neither knew how long they were standing there.

“Tell me what frightens you.” He whispered in her ear when he finally got a handle on his emotions.

“That this is just the beginning. One more argument; one more Republican slugfest; one more week with a heavy traveling schedule. I will get that phone call from some foreign hospital that my husband is dead.”

“Leo had a heart attack and he is Vice-President of the United States.”

“You are not Leo Toby; this is not about him.”

Nora pulled away some but kept her arms around him. Right now it was physically painful to imagine not having her arms around him.

“This is about you Toby. CJ does the rosary every time Leo gets on that damn plane.”

“No she doesn’t. Does she?”

“Shut up...not the point. The point is, you have to take care of yourself. This job is not the meaning of your life anymore. You have to exercise, eat right, and relax. These are unToby-like activities.”

“You know my favorite way to relax?” he asked, running his hands up and down her back.

“Stop it Tobes.” She smiled.

“No sugar, I'm serious.”

“You are not serious. You are getting ready to say something about your dick.”

Toby laughed. He pulled Nora into a kiss. She pulled away.

“Toby.” It was a plead laced with both desire and fear.

“Its just a kiss Nora. It does not have to lead to anything else. It didn’t for months, remember?”

“I guess.”

“Do you remember Nora? Just kissing for hours, nothing touching but our lips. The way I ran my fingers through your hair and you would moan into my mouth. Our lips would be sore and swollen, we could hardly breathe, but we had to have more.”

Nora moaned just thinking about it. God, he was a sensual kisser, a sensual man.

“See Toby, you always take it there. I have to go to work and you have to feed our child.”

Toby caressed her face.

“I love you Nora.”

“I love you too.” She kissed his nose. “Maybe, maybe Toby, we can try one of your relaxation techniques when I get home. You should take Karenna to the park today; the weather man said it is going to be another lovely day.”

Toby smiled and released her with their unspoken promise.

***


End file.
